Since 2017 I have been exploring polyamory and actively engaging with various members of the poly community. Throughout my time I have learned a lot about myself and the things I desire in my relationships. If I had a time machine and could go back to speak with my high school self he would hardly recognize the person I’ve become though, unlikely many others, I doubt he’d be put off, disappointed, or disgusted with my changes.

Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the consent of all people involved. Many people are familiar with Polygamy and often assume they are the same thing but the latter is only a form of Polyamory, not the basis of all polyamorous relationships. Another term for Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy as the defining trait of a polyamorous relationship is the consent of those involved; Maintaining multiple secret partners is not polyamory.

Since I’ve actively identified as Polyamorous, I have been questioned and judged on a variety of stereotypes associated with this lifestyle:

• “So you like women and men?”
  • Although many polyamorous individuals may be bi or pansexual it is not a requirement to be romantically/sexually interested in both sexes; in fact, Asexual individuals can also be polyamorous.
• “You can’t be satisfied with one partner?”
  • Being polyamorous means you may have multiple romantic/sexual relationships but does not mean you must have only one partner; many polyamorous relationship have a single partner (primary) and other individuals (known as Meta’s) could possibly be casual or passing connections.
• “You just sleep with anyone you want!”
  • Not all polyamorous individuals are promiscuous and many poly individuals are selective about the people they interact with sexually; it’s all about communication and boundaries.

Influencers and Media have painted a picture of polyamory as the death of civilization or the cure-all for what ails us; neither are honest portrayals of what this structure truly represents. In fact, many people assume that anyone who practices polyamory is naturally immoral and promiscuous both of which are untrue creating challenges for accurate representation and acceptance of polyamorous families. On one side of the argument, being polyamorous means that ‘cheating’ is no longer an issue (spoiler alert: it still can be!) while on the other side, the growth required to maintain a healthy relationship will develop mental health skills that will transfer to other parts of your life.

While the media representation of polyamorous relationship has increased, I believe a lot of the media released can be damaging. Poly individuals, like Monogamous individuals, can be toxic, dismissive, or overly obsessed with sex but it is not by nature of being polyamorous. Media’s focus on this aspect of the culture attracts individuals who believe that being poly means they have the freedom to cheat, which is not the case. It also allows people who are monogamous to portray themselves as poly to attempt to excuse their bad behavior; this further damages the reputation of those who are truly ethically non-monogamous. Unfortunately, I have also noticed many people targeting polyamory as the decline in morality or damaging to the nuclear family and I find their subtle means of discrediting the practice distasteful. In fact, some individuals pretend to want to learn more about poly culture but will only speak with other monogamous people about it.

Being poly is not easy and if you only learn about poly through the media you randomly encounter you’ll get a completely different picture than the reality. It’s important to take the time to find appropriate resources for understanding what it means and what to expect in a polyamorous structure. Hopefully this post has given you some insight to avoid the many pitfalls that present themselves as you learn about this lifestyle and yourself; It’s important to explore the variety of literature on how to build healthy relationships if this is a relationship structure that speaks to you.